Beginner’s guide to water chemistry - lesson 1
If Carling did koi shows..................
I think he should stop going to koi shows, or at least, take his wife with him
The koi enthusiast woke at first light. For mid-summer it was unusually bad weather. There was a howling gale outside. Undeterred, he was in and out of the bathroom and dressed in record time. It was a long drive to the koi show and he wanted to be there early. Gently kissing his wife on the cheek, he left without waking her.
He had only been driving a few miles when he drove through a deep puddle. The car spluttered and stopped. Water had splashed up into the engine compartment and short-circuited the electrics. He would have to walk home through the pouring rain and wait until later before he could phone the garage.
Arriving home, it was still too early to phone the garage so he threw off his wet clothes and slid quietly into bed. His wife was still asleep, but as he snuggled up against her back she mumbled:
“Yes”, he whispered, “It’s blowing a gale, out there”.
Still half asleep, she replied: “And to think my husband has gone to a koi show in this!”
New koi feeder, now available
I know I should get out more, but I think this high speed camera video is fascinating
It cost all of it’s nine lives
A koi keeper was in the garden, filling in a hole, when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what he was doing, the neighbour asked, "What are you up to?"
"My little Sanke died," replied the koi keeper, choking back the tears, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was curious and said "That's an awfully big hole for such a small koi, isn't it?"
The koi keeper patted down the last heap of earth then replied. "That's because he's inside your cat."
I wondered what those bubbles were
Statues have feelings too.
When he was a young man, the sculptor put great effort into making works of art of exceptional quality. He specialised in statues with cunningly hidden pipes that could trickle water into a pond. He was so talented that he became famous and was able to spend the money he earned on his other passion in life, his koi pond. He built a pond that was set in a beautifully landscaped garden and stocked it with many fine koi.
He sculpted two statues, a man and a woman in classical poses, and set them at the end of his pond where they could trickle water from his filters back into it. He was pleased with his creations and spent many happy hours enjoying the simple pleasure of feeding his koi and admiring the tranquil scene. He would often talk to the statues as if they were his friends.
As the years rolled slowly by, he eventually grew old, and one day he died. The next day, an Angel appeared by the pond and said to the statues.
“Your sculptor is now tending a koi pond in Heaven. He told me that, while he was alive, you gave him so much pleasure that he would like to do something for you in return. He asked if I could give you life so that you could enjoy the pleasures of being human. I can give you life, but only for half an hour before you must return to being statues”
The Angel raised his hand, there was a bright flash and the statues came alive. They thanked the Angel and ran into the bushes. For a few moments there was silence. Then there was much rustling of leaves and giggling. They were clearly enjoying themselves.
Fifteen minutes later, the man and the woman emerged from the bushes, smiling.
“You have only been fifteen minutes”. Said the Angel. “You still have fifteen minutes left”.
The man turned to the woman and said. “Would you like to do that all over again?”
“Ooh! Yes please”. Said the woman. “But this time I would like to do it the other way round. You can hold that bloody pigeon down and it will be my turn to crap on it!”
Well, she asked for it.
The other day I came home to find my wife dressed only in sexy underwear and holding some short velvet ropes.
“Tie me up.” She whispered. “Then I will let you do anything you want.” So, I tied her up and went out to feed my koi and clean the filters!
Swimming with koi.
When the policeman rang the bell, the old lady rushed to answer the door.
“Where have you been? I phoned half an hour ago. Anyway, he’s still doing it. Come upstairs, quickly!” She said, almost dragging him upstairs into the back bedroom.
“Who is doing what?” Said the policeman.
“It’s the man next door.” She replied. “He told me, this morning, about having to get a blanket of weeds out of his bottom drain or something, and now he is swimming about in his koi pond. Naked! It shouldn’t be allowed.”
The policeman looked out of the bedroom window but the dividing hedge was too tall to even see the pond, let alone the man in it.
“I can’t see anything, the hedge is too tall.” He said.
“I know it is.” She replied. “But if you use this chair to climb up on top of the wardrobe……………..”
Ever had trouble sexing koi? Forget about looking at the body shape or whether the pectoral fins are pointed or rounded. These methods are difficult enough when looking at large koi and virtually impossible on smaller ones. There is a much easier way. Just watch the mouth. If the koi swims round with it’s mouth persistently opening and closing, hardly spending any time shut, the fish is definitely female. The ones that hang around in the corners with their mouths shut and looking worried and picked on, are most likely to be the males.
I think he’s been drinking, officer.
As the customer was about to pull into the koi dealer’s car park, the dealer suddenly reversed out at high speed and without looking properly. There was an awful bang and both cars were badly damaged. The dealer jumped out and apologised profusely.
“Are you OK? I am so sorry. Please come into my office so we can exchange details.” Said the dealer.
The customer was too shaken to reply and followed him in. Once inside, the dealer poured two large glasses of whisky. He gave one to the customer and told him it would steady his nerves. The customer drank the entire glass before he noticed the dealer hadn’t touched his.
“Aren’t you going to drink yours?” Said the customer.
“Not yet”. The dealer replied. “I think I’ll wait until after the Police have arrived”.
Hot, sweaty and sexy?
I was in the garden, stripped to the waist, hot and sweaty, digging our new pond when my wife called me into the kitchen.
“I want you to make love to me, right here, right now, on the floor”. She said.
“Turn you on watching me out of the window, did it?” I asked smugly.
“Of course not, dear. My timer has broken and I just want to time this egg”.
Once upon a time
A man came home from work and said to his wife.
“Look! I found this koi magazine on the train. These ponds are fantastic, we could have one. Maybe 8,000 gallons. It could have skimmers, pumps, showers. A pergola over the top. Just look at the quality of the fish we could buy. Then there are these adverts for the most amazing food. We could……………”
“Don’t be silly, Darling.” She interrupted. “That would wipe out all our savings, and the upkeep would cost a fortune. Throw that silly magazine away! No pond, no fish. Let’s spend our money having lots of really nice holidays instead”.
And they all lived happily ever after.
They taste like chicken, or so I’ve been told
If there are so many herons, why are there so few recipes?
A true story…..No really, it is true, it happened to me
Some time ago, we were regularly being visited by herons. I put up strands of fishing line and found it was a really effective way of keeping them away from the pond. Apart from one small problem. For some unknown reason, the foxes that play in the garden at night used to bite the fishing line and wreck it. So, each day, it was a race to replace the broken strands before the next visit from the heron. Then I replaced the fishing line with an electric fence and our problem was solved. The voltage was not high enough to do any harm to the various animals that think they own our garden, but if any of them tried to bite the wire, it would give their little fillings such a jolt that they wouldn’t try it again. The fence stayed up and the fish were safe once more.
So, what happened?
One day when I had the fence down to do some pond maintenance, my wife marched down the garden saying.
“Would you take me shopping please?”
“I won’t be long”, I replied.
“I need to go now!”
“OK. I’ll just put the fence back”.
“I need to go now!”
So, as I was being marched through the house, I called to our daughter. Sixteen at the time, she was. As friendly as a Chagoi and nearly as intelligent.
“Emma, I have to take your mum shopping and the pond fence is down. Would you keep a look out for herons until I get back?
“What’s a heron, daddy?” She asked.
“It’s a big grey bird about this big.” I said holding my hand about 3ft above the floor.
“If it gets into the pond, it’ll eat the fish”.
“OK, daddy. Bring me back a present”.
I took the wife shopping and when she couldn’t think of anything else to buy, we came home. Emma was hopping mad.
“I’ve been chasing those bloody herons all afternoon”. She doesn’t normally swear.
“How many were there?” I asked, puzzled.
“Lots? But they are always on their own”.
“There were lots of them. Every time I chased them away they came back again to eat the bread we put on the lawn”.
“Bread! Herons don’t eat bread”.
“Yes they do! Look they’re back again. All sitting on the fence”. She said pointing to a row of wood pigeons!
So, for Emma’s benefit.
This is a heron.....
....and this is a wood pigeon!
The old ones just won’t go away
On her last trip to our local koi dealer, my wife was so keen to get home with her latest purchase that she didn’t notice that she had left her credit card on the counter. The dealer could have called her back but didn’t. You just can’t trust those dealers, can you?
Anyway, from the statements I am getting, it appears that the card is now being used to fund a koi buying trip to Japan.
I haven’t reported the card is lost yet, because………..You’ve guessed it. He’s not spending as much as she did!
Too hard on dealers?
I shouldn’t be so hard on koi dealers. They’re not all bad. It’s only 99% that give the rest a bad name.
Revenge is sweet
When she accepted her lover’s invitation to move in with him she expected a little romance, but she rapidly discovered what living with a fanatical koi keeper entailed.
She was soon complaining, that koi occupied every spare minute of his life. Nothing changed and soon the arguments began.
Then one night as he climbed into bed at about 2 a.m. she snapped.
“You only want me here to cook and clean”. She shouted. “All you ever care about is your koi. When you’re not out with your fish, you spend half the night on that bloody chat forum talking about them. I may as well not be here”.
“If that’s how you feel, you can pack your bags and go. Be gone before I get home from work”. He replied.
They slept back to back. He dreamed of Grand Champions. She dreamed of revenge.
The next day, when he came home from work, he was surprised to see her still there. Beautifully made up, and wearing her best dress, she looked fantastic.
Before he could speak she said. “I’m still leaving. My bags are packed. The taxi is booked for two hours time, but before I go, I thought we could have one last candlelit meal together. I’ve been preparing it all day. Would that be alright?”
“O.K.” He said. “What is it?”
She smiled and answered. “Fish soup followed by sushi”.
The next five come courtesy of the Banana Bar Koi Society (B.B.K.S.)
The Banana Bar Koi Society are a dedicated bunch of koi Keepers that congregate at the Banana Bar in Amsterdam every year on the Tuesday after the NVN Koi Show in Arcen.
I’m not sure what their aims are, and to be honest, I don’t think they know either. But thanks anyway, guys.
1/. A koi dealer goes to Heaven…..Surely not!
A well known koi dealer passed away and was being given a tour of Heaven by St. Peter. First, he was shown rather modest dwellings where Presidents, Kings, Queens, etc. lived. Then when he was taken to his new home he was shocked. It was a huge beautiful palace.
Gobsmacked, he asked St. Peter why he was being given such a fabulous residence, when much more famous and deserving people had only modest homes.
St. Peter replied “Oh, we’ve got so many Presidents, Kings, and such here that they are two a penny, but you are the first and only koi dealer that has ever made it in”.
2/. The Angels’ Koi show
One day in Heaven, St. Peter, St. Paul and St. John were standing around near the fish pond watching the koi frolic.
“I’m bored,” said St. John. “Me too.” St. Paul chimed in.
St. Peter stood and watched the koi. “I know!” St. Peter began. “Why don’t we have a koi show?”
St. Paul & St. John thought that was a great idea except for one small detail.
“Who are we to compete against, Peter?” St. Paul asked.
The trio pondered a moment, then St. Peter found the answer.
“We call up Satan and invite him to the koi show. I mean, we have all the finest koi here in Heaven, all the World Champions are here. His pond is ridden with the spoiled, the difficult, and mean koi. We are certain to win the show!”
And so the trio called Satan down in Hell and invited him to their koi show.
Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.
St. Peter, St. Paul and St. John did not understand. “What do you mean Satan?” St. Peter asked. “We have all the National and World champion koi in our pond here in Heaven”.
“How could you possibly beat us?”
Satan paused a moment and then laughed. “Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen? I have all the ZNA Judges!”
3/. And while you’re at the koi show…..
A professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said.
“Do you know what your a***hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”
She replied. “He’s probably at a koi show with his mates!!”
4/. Why koi dealers close on Mondays
A young Gulf War veteran is discharged on an invalidity pension. During his time serving his country he was hit in the groin by shrapnel and castrated.
Seeking employment, he decided to get a job with a koi dealer. Whilst searching the koi mags for info, he notices that the majority of dealers close on a Monday. Whilst discussing the matter with a friend he is told that Monday is the day for general maintenance and deliveries. His friend remarks “I’ve been told it’s the busiest day of a dealer’s week.”
After applying for several jobs the soldier is invited to an interview.
During the interview he is asked about his availability, to which he is able to reply. “Immediately”. About halfway through the interview the dealer says. “I notice that you have been invalided out of the Army. Is there anything wrong that might impede your fitness for the job?”
The soldier explains the rather embarrassing wound.
After several more questions and discussions the dealer makes up his mind and offers him the job. They agree a start date of the following week.
As the soldier leaves, the dealer says. “See you next Tuesday”.
“Don’t you mean Monday?” Replies the soldier. “I understand that’s one of your busiest days”.
“Rubbish”. Replies the dealer. “All we do is stand around scratching our b***s. So there’s no point in you coming in”.
5/. Indecent proposal
A young man and his gorgeous wife enter the premises of a well known koi dealer. The dealer is smitten by the woman, so he says to the man.
“If you let me make love to your wife I will give you, free of charge, the finest koi ever to come into this country, and I guarantee that it will take Grand Champion at any koi show”.
The man is taken aback, but his wife, knowing how much it would mean to him, is up for it. So after she tells her husband how much she loves him and promises not to enjoy it, he finally agrees.
The wife goes home with the dealer and the following morning, as they were dressing, the koi dealer says to the wife.
“How long has your husband been keeping koi?”
“Ten years”. She said.
“What?…..and he still trusts koi dealers?”
You can visit their web site to see these, and their other jokes at
But, be warned, this site is not for the easily offended.